For years after his activation, RJ had studied human records to try
to ascertain which traits had been most common amongst extremely
attractive humans. He ruled out heroism, because, although many attractive
humans had been deemed "heroic" by their peers, so were a large number of
downright funny-looking humans. Also, heroism, it seemed, was stressful,
and required a large output of RJ's precious energy reserves. For similar
reasons, RJ had ruled out "athletic," "enterprising," and "romantic."
"Sloth" was the perfect choice. Many very attractive humans had
been slothful or lazy to a fault. RJ saw the trait reflected in case study
after case study. Also, "sloth," by its very nature, required almost no
output of energy and, in general, suited RJ's personality.
At times, however, the trait interfered with his job. RJ was a
mathematician, and had been given the task of developing new
Faster-Than-Light (FTL) equations as part of the design for an interstellar
engine.
"RJ," the clock said. "Get your lazy butt out of bed right now!
Now! Now! Now!"
Coffee, thought RJ. Coffee! Despite his clock's insistence,
RJ would have stayed in bed, if not for the prospect of coffee. The black
liquid agreed with his pseudo-human physiology. Its effects were profound
and pleasant. Also, if RJ's research was at all accurate, it appeared that
coffee had played a major role in the lives of many slothful humans. These
humans had used a ritual called the "coffee-break" to duck many assignments
through centuries of nine-to-five office work.
RJ got out of bed, which quieted his clock immediately. He then
padded to his desk, on which sat his local computer terminal, a small lamp,
and his automatic coffee maker.
"Coffee. Hot and black," he said to the machine.
"Sir, my coffee chamber is too low to accommodate your request,"
replied the coffee maker. "Please add beans."
RJ muttered a silent curse at the machine, retrieved coffee beans
from his kitchen pantry, and poured them into the coffee chamber. Loud
crunching noises filled the room as the innards of the coffee maker began
to grind the beans. RJ's stomach twitched with anticipation as the pungent
smell of the ground coffee reached his sensitive nostrils. Meanwhile, he
turned on his terminal to prepare for work on his FTL equations. Given his
penchant for slothful behavior, he did not actually start his work, though
his superiors had recently screamed at him for a solution to one
particularly troublesome mathematical conundrum. RJ deemed it necessary
to wait for his coffee machine to finish its work on the beans, filter hot
water through the resulting grinds, and produce the anticipated hot cup of
coffee.
Suddenly, the coffee machine began to sputter out a disappointing
string of error messages. "Warning. Grinds have clogged my water intake
valves. Warning."
RJ opened the top of the machine and gave the indicated valves a
cursory glance. "Everything looks fine to me. Please proceed with the
production of coffee."
"That is not possible," said the machine.
"Oh, come on!!"
"Coffee production not possible. Not possible!" the coffee maker
said. The lights on its front cover then began to flash, smoke rose from
its top lid, and the machine fell silent.
Inwardly, RJ smiled. According to the rules of sloth, he now had
an excuse to put off his work. He'd tell his superiors that his coffee
maker had broken, he'd therefore had no coffee and was unable to
concentrate without it. The FTL equations would have to wait.
"Okay, what's the problem?" the coffee machine asked.
Continued
